Awareness: Sometimes it Doesn’t Go Down Well

Posted: January 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

Courtesy of SUPERSIZE ME

Sometimes awareness is like a double-edged sword—the more you know, the more you know. But what do you do with what you know?

You know?

I’m finding this particular true if not perplexing as I move forward exploring some of my own issues surrounding food, body image and eating disorders. I’m sick just thinking about it. (I said that for dramatic effect because being dramatic, like turning to food when I am not really hungry, seems to be one of the ways I deal with the emotions I’ve led myself to believe I can’t deal with.)

Scratching your head? Pull up a chair. Stay a while … I’m right there with you.

Here’s what’s happening. I cowrote this book called “Shut Up, Skinny Bitches” (See other blog posts.) As I noted in other entries, the book dives into eating issues and body image issues and more, all the while taking a stand against the media, the advertising industry and more. Basically, if you’ve ever felt bullied into thinking or feeling that you can’t be happy unless you’re thin, well, this book could be for you.

Hell—it is for you!

Anyway, as I was writing the book, I noticed that I, too, had some of the issues, we were addressing, particularly a chronic dissatisfaction with the way I look. My mental loop sounded/sounds something like this: “Gotta get thinner; why aren’t I thinner? Am I fat? I look fat? I ate too much yesterday; today I can’t eat so much; my stomach is big; my clothes feel tight; there’s something wrong with me; I’m fat; there’s something wrong with me; there’s something wrong with me; there’s something wrong …”

Relax. I’m really not nuts. Just vocal about what’s happening inside of me.

So, what’s next? Well, I’ve been looking into some sort of group or one-on-one with somebody who handles this issue well. There’s also the brilliant works of Geneen Roth, which I have plunged into—I’ve adored how she writes about what feelings one is avoiding when turning to food; a food binge, and the like, and how that it was never really about her weight, her size, etc., that the issues that wanted to be dealt with would always be there regardless of her size … that something within her wanted to be expressed, felt and the urge to reach for food instead of feel that feeling, was a delicious sign for her to look deeper and, well, feel. There’s also a man spearheading a national program for men who have these issues.

That’s where I’m at. Looking deeper. Feeling deeper.

About that … I used to think a bunch of chocolate—well, Doritos, bread, cheese, wine—could fix these feelings; this feeling. Now I think the feeling doesn’t really need to be fixed at all—because … if your inner world, your inner universe, is that determined to present you with a swing, it might be best to mood on it for a while.

More soon …

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